Birthday Love

After two nights of insomnia, I decided to work from home on my birthday so that I could be ZombieErinBird. Being at home meant that every time I got a text, email, or Facebook notification, I could read them immediately. That allowed me to respond to each and every one of the 105 people that contacted me. 105 well wishes and memories and “happy birthday” comments. And 105 chances for me to say “thank you”.

When I think about my life, I think first about how loved I am and how much I love the people around me. And I know that so many don’t know what that is like. I know that I always have someone to turn to or somewhere to go. And I know that is truly special. I am so grateful.

Thank you, dear friends and family. Thank you for loving me and for letting me know. It means more to me than I could ever say.

Best birthday yet.

Thankful.

This last year has been full of challenges, and there have been times that I have paid far more attention to the bad than the good, but there has been so much good. And not just good, but great.  In no particular order, some of the great things that have made me feel ohsothankful lately:

• The phone call I received today that my aunt’s tumors have reduced in size by half; that half of the lesions on her liver are gone; that she is feeling good and strong.
• A text message from my wonderful father last night that made me cry and reminded me just how lucky I am to have a man like him in my life.
  

  A girl and her dad: romper, mullet, and the Painted Hills.

• Thanksgiving spent meeting the family of someone I care about in Colorado and discovering that they are smart, funny and kind people. Feeling welcomed and at home. Eating delicious food and laughing until I cried (over and over).
• All of the friends (new and old) in my life who have taken the time to reach out. The letters, the calls, the emails, the hugs… all of it has meant so much, and the love I’ve felt has been immense and humbling.
  

  Small selection of the cards and letters I’ve received this year.

• My co-workers and supervisor who have done far more than what is reasonable to allow me the time to take care of myself and my family.
• Jake and Peder, aka My Two Dads, for giving me a comfortable, safe, friendly, and warm place to call home.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

When every leaf is a flower.

FALL IS HERE. And it’s been absolutely lovely so far.

Yesterday the sky glowed yellow and there was a beautiful blue haze over everything. The leaves are turning and the wind gusts send them swirling, and I find such joy in watching them spin.

Autumn is my favorite season. I love sweater weather and back to school (and back to school accoutrements: pencils, notebooks and the like). I love the orchards and nearby wineries. Most of all, I love that autumn brings out the crafter and chef in me.

I’m hoping to spend the weekend at the pumpkin patch and in the kitchen cooking up a storm. Rain is forecast on Saturday, and I have already picked out some comfy clothes and a new book to read. Joie de vivre!

Magic hour.

If at first you don’t succeed, you can dust it off and try again.

So. On Sunday, I was forced to confront the reality of my weird life: health issues, divorce (surprise, Internet! Probs more on this later), my aunt’s illness, the crazy sort of homeless lifestyle I’d been leading, the whole opening my heart to someone  thing–all of the stretched-way-too-thin sorta stuff that has had me spinning out of control–and it was obviously time to slow it way down and go back to basics. I called one of my dearest friends who has known me since I was a tiny, and asked if I could move in. Settle for a bit. He and his partner welcomed me with open arms (and 3 drawers in the dresser) (and karaoke games), and I decided that with a place to crash for longer than a night or two (and a sweet dog to snuggle), I should establish some new goals:

Goal #1:

Eat.

Goal #2:

Sleep.

Goal #3:

Go to work.

So I asked myself if she would be interested in dating me. She said yes. It turns out she’s sort of perfect for me, but it’s not all easy breezy. The thing about attempting to date yourself when you’ve been busy taking care of everyone else for, well, all of your life, is that it can be confusing. I’m not sure what I want to do,but I know the things that make me feel happy: my relationships with the people I love, the beautiful families that I work with, FALL (!), being outside, bike rides, dinners at home, running, cooking, reading, yoga, travel…and a million other things. What I’m not always sure of is what percentage of those things I need to feel balanced. Imma find out, friends, with the help of my new girlfriend (she’s so knowledgeable about what I like and what I need). For now, I’m sticking to the goals listed above with the idea that I will add in the fun things little by little as I get more rest, am better nourished and when I have reassured my wonderful boss and co-workers that I can actually spend a full week at work without my world caving in.

The gratitude that I feel for this messy life of mine is immense, and there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t take a moment to think of what is going well, but I know that I could be more present. That there are things that I have wanted to do that I’ve put on the back burner because I’d decided that meeting everyone else’s needs was more important than making sure mine were met. It is a learning process, and I know that finding the balance between caring for me and caring for others won’t be easy, but I’m sure there will be joy in it. I’m certain that I will come away from all of this healthy and stronger, and more thankful for all of it–for the mess, the joy, the pain, the LIFE that I am living. As Aaliyah would say, it’s time to dust it off and try again.

 

 

 

Beauty.

Through the last several weeks I’ve been noticing beauty everywhere.

Olive is magic.

 

Re-reading an all-time favorite in the bath. Perfection.

 

Today, I took myself to lunch and had the loveliest conversation with a server who just radiated GOOD. It was one of the more calming moments I’ve had lately.

 

La Buca + wine + pasta + bread + trashy paper = just right.

 

I spent an hour with my friend Joe and saw this in his house:

 

Optimism.

 

The most beautiful images I’ve seen lately,though, are these:

 

My aunt shining.

 

L. O. V. E.

 

My gorgeous cousins and my beautiful aunt.

 

The truest beauty is in the gratitude that I am experiencing; in how thankful I am to have the pleasure of these small moments; in the knowledge that there are so many more to come.

Happy Holidays!

I’ve definitely started my Christmas countdown. I love Christmas. This is definitely my favorite holiday of the year. While a lot of people experience more stress around this time of year, I feel light as a feather. This year, I’ve noticed some wonderful efforts in my community like Operation Elf Box , an amazing project started by a Bend local that allows parents to “shop” for free gifts for their children. Saving Grace has an “Adopt a Family” program that helps families utilizing agency services. Most of the calls I’ve gotten on my recent hotline shifts have been people asking what sort of donations are needed for our clients. We’ve also had an increase in donations at the safe visitation and exchange center. Finally, I’ve seen some amazing giving facilitated through Facebook. People have been posting about friends, family, or community members in need of food or heat or even Christmas trees, and people have been responding in such incredibly giving and meaningful ways.

I encourage you all to look around next time you’re feeling holiday stress and take notice of the wonderful sense of giving and community that happens this time of year. And if that doesn’t work, maybe this song will. It’s from one of my very favorite holiday movies, Meet Me in St. Louis.