So. On Sunday, I was forced to confront the reality of my weird life: health issues, divorce (surprise, Internet! Probs more on this later), my aunt’s illness, the crazy sort of homeless lifestyle I’d been leading, the whole opening my heart to someone thing–all of the stretched-way-too-thin sorta stuff that has had me spinning out of control–and it was obviously time to slow it way down and go back to basics. I called one of my dearest friends who has known me since I was a tiny, and asked if I could move in. Settle for a bit. He and his partner welcomed me with open arms (and 3 drawers in the dresser) (and karaoke games), and I decided that with a place to crash for longer than a night or two (and a sweet dog to snuggle), I should establish some new goals:
Goal #1:
Eat.
Goal #2:
Sleep.
Goal #3:
Go to work.
So I asked myself if she would be interested in dating me. She said yes. It turns out she’s sort of perfect for me, but it’s not all easy breezy. The thing about attempting to date yourself when you’ve been busy taking care of everyone else for, well, all of your life, is that it can be confusing. I’m not sure what I want to do,but I know the things that make me feel happy: my relationships with the people I love, the beautiful families that I work with, FALL (!), being outside, bike rides, dinners at home, running, cooking, reading, yoga, travel…and a million other things. What I’m not always sure of is what percentage of those things I need to feel balanced. Imma find out, friends, with the help of my new girlfriend (she’s so knowledgeable about what I like and what I need). For now, I’m sticking to the goals listed above with the idea that I will add in the fun things little by little as I get more rest, am better nourished and when I have reassured my wonderful boss and co-workers that I can actually spend a full week at work without my world caving in.
The gratitude that I feel for this messy life of mine is immense, and there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t take a moment to think of what is going well, but I know that I could be more present. That there are things that I have wanted to do that I’ve put on the back burner because I’d decided that meeting everyone else’s needs was more important than making sure mine were met. It is a learning process, and I know that finding the balance between caring for me and caring for others won’t be easy, but I’m sure there will be joy in it. I’m certain that I will come away from all of this healthy and stronger, and more thankful for all of it–for the mess, the joy, the pain, the LIFE that I am living. As Aaliyah would say, it’s time to dust it off and try again.
An ErinBird 